You Can't Do It All
by Smoky
Summary: When Lily liked both James and Sirius... an extremely short boring little "ditty" I wrote when depressed. R&r if you like to...


[AN: Another thing I wrote when depressed. It sux and it's stupid. End of story…. well almost. Oh yes, I almost forgot:  
  
**DISCLAIMER** I own absolutely nothing here. Except maybe Adrienne.]  
  
  
  
You Can't Do It All  
  
^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^  
  
Lily took James' hand and followed him onto the dance floor, her steps as light and delicate as a faerie's. She laid her head on his shoulder, and a lock of his soft black hair stroked her face.  
  
She followed his steps intricately; one, two, one, two. The slow, patient music stirred something inside her. She wiped a tear quickly off her cheek.  
  
Over by the stage, Sirius waltzed unhurriedly in the arms of a blond-haired girl, Adrienne, the best friend Lily had known in her four years at Hogwarts. Lily exchanged a sad smile with the girl, but Sirius did not look up.  
  
Lily closed her eyes and imitated the rest of the dance the way she knew it should be, resting peacefully in James' arms until the music dimmed and the lights came on.  
  
It was over. Her first ever Yule Ball.  
  
James stroked her hair gently as they headed for the staircases separating their dorms in the common room. One last goodnight, a cheeky smile, and they parted. Lily didn't look back.  
  
James… she thought silently. If only you knew how much your smile kills me…  
  
*****************************  
  
The next morning Lily and Adrienne sat with James and his friends in the common room. Lily stared morosely into the fire, watching the dancing flames flicker.  
  
'Lils? What's up?'  
  
'Nothing, Addy. Really.  
  
James threw a scrunched up ball of parchment at her.  
  
'Come on Lily! What's the matter man?'  
  
Lily looked up at James, her heart pounding. There was a moment's silence as she looked painfully into his eyes. Sirius turned around abruptly and in that split second Lily cracked. She stood up and walked away. Nobody made any move to follow her.  
  
Lily went outside, her memories and emotions ringing in her ears. She remembered back to when she'd gone on a little walk with James, where he'd told her to be strong, to find courage inside her to live.  
  
'I'll always be here for you if you need me, Lily.' he had said.  
  
If only she could find the courage inside herself to tell him that she loved him! He had lied when he said he'd always be there: she needed him now, to hold him close in her arms and love him. And he hadn't been there.  
  
There was a sound of quiet footsteps behind Lily. Sirius came and sat down beside her. He was silent for a moment.  
  
'Lily,' he said finally, 'I want to know what's wrong. You've been acting really weirdly, plus you've always been saying that you want to talk to me and yet when you can, you never do. You're not fine, Lily. So tell me what's up.'  
  
She looked away, because she knew it was the truth. Laid out in front of her as plainly as snow. And her heart told her she couldn't keep it to herself any longer.  
  
'Why Sirius?' she burst out 'Why did you play with my feelings? You knew I loved someone and I could never tell him, not once. But then you… you…' She began to sob a little.  
  
'What? What did I do?'  
  
'You – played with my feelings and made me fall in love with you! I thought you… I thought you liked me Sirius,' she hiccuped.  
  
'I've never played with your feelings Lily.'  
  
'You have… you've…'  
  
He had done things. But perhaps without realising what he was doing. Lily had been so sore and raw from constant rejection, which was one of the reasons why she couldn't tell James her feelings for him, and why she became prone to feelings for Sirius. When Sirius had one day just suddenly started paying more attention to her, following her around and *touching her where friends don't touch*, she'd really thought he liked her. And from that moment onwards she fell deeply in love with him.  
  
But it wasn't that way. Sirius, as Lily grew to notice, did that to most of his friends. It was his way of showing friendly affection. She, in her desperation, had probably mistaken that for actual love.  
  
'I can't stop my feelings for you now Siri,' Lily sobbed, 'but I don't think I can ever go back to loving my other guy the same way. And you don't feel anything for me…'  
  
Sirius leaned back against a tree trunk and gazed blankly at the sky. 'I… you're right Lily. I don't. But wouldn't you – wouldn't you be happier with this *other guy*? Whoever he is…?'  
  
'I—'  
  
'Hi there you two.' James bounded up suddenly behind them and flopped onto the grass. Lily looked from Sirius to James and back. Wild ideas started to cram her mind.  
  
'James… I'm so glad you're here. Maybe I should talk to you too.' She paused, then a strange clouded look came over her face and she looked away. 'I've been thinking about it for a while now… I mean sometimes it's all I ever think about. It's getting harder to go on like this, every day… I can't get it all out of my mind.'  
  
'Lily, what are you talking about? Come on, just tell us straight and maybe we can help you!'  
  
She shook her head. Tears crept out from under her eyelids and hooked onto her lashes, some streaming down her cheek. It wasn't time to tell. But she no longer had strength to go on like this.  
  
She closed her eyes and took a deep shuddering breath.  
  
'I love you. I love you both. I don't know how or why but I just do… and I can't go on like this.'  
  
  
  
The silence was cold and eerie, broken only by Lily's anguished sobs and the faint, distant cry of a jackdaw, borne on the wind.  
  
*****************************  
  
James closed his eyes and nodded knowingly as the band struck up a slow, mournful tune. He smiled into the piercing green eyes of the girl in his arms. She nodded silently back.  
  
As couples crept onto the dance floor he led her to the middle and began to move to the music. Over on his right, by the trestle tables, Sirius was dancing with a blond-haired girl. He smiled sadly at Sirius, but the girl would not look up.  
  
He imitated the dance the way he knew it should be, his eyes tightly shut. He felt the girl's steps as light as a faerie's, her movements as perfect as those of a lithe spirit.  
  
The song faded to a humming whisper and James opened his eyes. The red- haired girl stared back at him, her eyes sad and awash with tears. Slowly, silently, he reached out to touch her cheek.  
  
A gust of wind blew and the girl faded suddenly into the night, just as the music had faded from the night but never from his heart.  
  
  
  
It was over. Another Yule Ball.  
  
Each time James danced to that same, sad song, he remembered Lily. And he danced with her spirit, just as he danced with his ceaseless, heartfelt nostalgia.  
  
^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^  
  
AN: Well there it is. I don't like it very much but still this is what the depressed mind produces. Review, if you want. I mean, I'll still read it and all. But you don't have to…:  
  
I have to leave. I know I haven't been here much but I'm not that good an author and fanfics don't suit me. Many thanks to fellow authors Eressa and Aurora for everything they've done while I've been here.  
  
Here's to the death of me!  
  
Smoky 


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